August..

Days passes so quickly that I didn't realized it..1st time ever felt so satisfied with my weekends. Usually my schedule for the weekend would be TVB Hong Kong dramas..hahaha..Came across of JCI? Heard of it?.. No le..Its something like Interact Club and Leo Club. But, I think its more to corporate 'thing'. Exposed to lots of people, especially those businessman. They too looking for their targetted customer and their opportunity in the business expansion. Kulim JCI's member too very the funny..Once had dinner with them after the charity occasion. 90% of the time I was laughing in the restaurant. I'm not exaggerating, its true. Hehe..Can't remember what's the topic was, but it was really damn funny.

Then watched few movies in a month. Hehe..At least 2. GI Joe and Laughing Gor..haha..Good movie. But my collegue said GI Joe was so-so only wor..But I felt that the action effect was good. Felt so satisfied, so free..Free from worries..Worry of going home late, worry that he will angry, worry that he will worry bout me..

My company too was having this technical symposium day. I was selected as the presenter. Haha..Damn nervous when I was on the stage. My presentation slides keep updating until I need to ask permission from the organizer to upload my slides at the last minute. So embarrasing. Because I was too nervous that my slides cannot be used, then I need to use the old one..But, luckily..everything went smooth as it was.. :P I got the chance to talk personally with the Managing Director..Hahahaha..how lucky,..But I was sweating..as always, sweat when I was nervous..Bad habit...

Understanding...

I'm getting confused of this word, 'understanding'. I cant see the benefit and the disaster it brings. People tend to take advantage of this word and this brought me even closer to the reality world. You could choose to be ignorance and yet understanding..hehe..too difficult to understand huh??..Even family members that known you most too, practise 'ignorance'. Sometimes i just feel like letting go..Too much of explanation does not bring any good. Instead, they bring harm to us. The more you tried to explain, the more they think that you are hiding something..

Tired..Its not easy being a filial daugther and filial grandaughter. Others will tend to mistakenly understand that she has a plan for every moves.

Being bad is hard..but being good is even harder..

I'm disappointed..Being good is not good after all...

Sigh...

Went back to USM see my lecturer for her students’ meeting. Met others students, some elder than me, some maybe same age, some Chinese, some Malays, some Arabians, I think..cz their slangs doesn’t seems local. Even got a student pregnant..hehe..She introduced me to the others..She was so proud of receiving students from industries.

But after the meeting, I found out that, compared to them, the research that I’m doing is cannot . I feel so tiny in the room. Their topic of research seems so alien to me. For them, research is to discover something more advanced and smaller scale’s component. But for me, my job is to find something alternative but maintain the specs given.

Just one thing that I felt humiliating, also can be proud of it one..hahaha
My lecturer, couldn’t recognize me..how sad..she said that she can’t recognize me until she saw my smile..meaning, my teeth..oh..so sad..my dracula teeth is my sign..
I thought of a slogan for myself..Recognize me by my teeth!
Wakakaka..

After the meeting, I felt so lost..I just don’t wanna go home. I want to go somewhere else except home. I dunno what to do at home. My brain is so blank.

Thought of my research, I need to think of another research title to put in my abstract. She ask me to prepare 2 abstracts to be sent to the conference..haizz..
Need to drink more chicken essence..
Hehehehehe..

Went back to AIMST to settle the stuffs..I'v met them and talk to them, they promised me to settle it and will post the transcript via post express on this coming Monday. Previously, by using the calling method, they need 6months to process. Managing people is more complicated than managing the tools..

Few days back, I had mood swings. A terrible ones. I got angry easily. Things didn't go the ways I want it to be..with AIMST problem, then in USM's registration case, then the research work..Even my love life was at the rock bottom at that moment.. I felt like letting go the relationship and start to live alone. But I was not brave enough to go through my days alone..loneliness seems to be the scariest things I'v ever went through..I can't even find a friend to talk and release my angriness..Really suffered at that moment..

IDIOTS!

I don't understand how people works. It took them so long to process the transcript. This is the first graduation and the biggest mistake they did is the transcript!
My volcano is bursting. The magma is coming off my head. The enrolling year is wrong! How could they do that? What kind of mistake is this?????

I had complaint for such a long time and now, another department took over and things go havoc. The students are the victims! They didn't pass down properly and when I called them, they say they don't have my record of complaining. How dare they say like that??? I am applying for the postgraduate studies and going to apply for the scholarship. How am I going to send in the transcript with the completion year in 2007 when I graduated in 2008???

Another one is the finance. They need a form that we filled in order for them to release my deposit. And they lost the form! How could that happen?? Shanthiney got the money de and I haven. We fill the form together and passed them up together. How can mine lost??? Got ghost took up my form so that I can't take back my deposit?? Worst is that they told me that Ms. Kavitha is going to fill the form in my behalf and the process took 2months before I got the money. HEY!!! Its just RM450!! @#$*&

This is the first time I mentioned all those stars. My goodness!! They hold our exam slip just because we'r late in paying fees. And that cost RM8k. And for that RM450, they need 2months (60days to process). And the form is missing. I think they are making stories!!

Liars!!! HATE the AIMST! INORGANIZED! HAVOC! SLOW! TORTOISE!

Memory..

Things happened so fast. It was so fast that I don't have enough time for me to perform my duty. Accompanying him back to home was the final thing that I could do when he's physically around.. Along the journey, movie clips being played in my mind. I do not have a good memory of childhood years together with him..He's not there on my first day in kindergarten, my first day of schooling, my disappointment of getting bad grades, my first day in University, and now, he's gone..And he will never see us having our own family, never will have a chance of seeing our next generations and never see me success..

I arrived in the hospital, looking at him in the ward, sitting on the bed with his eyes closed..Everybody is surrounding him..He can't really talked. The pain make him suffer even more, he need oxygen mask to help him breath easier..His back pain is killing him..I went over and called him, telling that I had reached, I'm here to see him..Slowly, he opened his eyes and closed them back..I'm holding back my tears..I can't ease his pain, all I could do was watch and be beside him. He went for the endoscope scan. I waited outside the room. I was peeping at him at the slight opening corner of the door. The door did not closed tightly. Soon, the door opened, I knew, he was in pain..We pushed the bed near the lift. We waited. He suddenly widened his eyes, he couldn't utter a word. But he keep his strength to look at each of us in the eyes..That is the last time I ever look at his eyes..

There's once in my life, I do hate him..I blamed him for not wanting me, for ignoring me, for scolding me, for abondoning me..I blamed him for everything..But, as I am growing up, I learn, i understand and I try to be considerate. There is something that I can't change, is that he is my Father and he will always be..

I regretted, for all my life, I never had a chance to tell him this,

Ah Pa,

I love you..

The tough gets going..

Saddened by the sight of it..
Human is too fragile..
Sickness could cause disaster which can't be cured even with the best doctor around..
When I look him in the eyes, they tell me that he has lost hope, giving up is the best solution..
His sunkened eyes pained my heart..
No pain is more bearable than seeing his tears flowing down the corner of his eyes..
Give me strength to move on..